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Poetry by iconic-johnny

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Submitted on
July 30, 2009
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I am a vortex
chaos colored in a void--

I am deconstruction
with each board wrenched enjoyed--


I struggle to explain to you,
I am undefined.

and across my blaze of open view
not one thing is more fearfully divine

than the moment that two beings intertwine


the back-bend soft-scent songs of human skin
to me hold the miracle
of the bloodwine in your chalice,

I say this wide-eyed as a newborn
far too far for judgement, shame
or malice.


and humble as I stand before
the soil I will become,
the earth that gives,

I fingerpaint this floor
with fingers green from loving everything
that lives.
and she said: let there be light and shadow.
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:iconjonathoncomfortreed:
jonathoncomfortreed Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009  Student Photographer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Very cool piece, your writing style is enjoyable to read.

I'll help you on the end, which I think could be even better.

"I say this wide-eyed as a newborn
far too old for judgement, shame
or malice."


Well, that's just plain amazing.

"and humble as I stand before
the soil I will become,
the earth that gives,"


I think that you should tie the last two lines in this stanza together – the soil I will become, and the earth that I (insert verb and whatever here) . "there earth that gives" doesn't make much sense relative the rest of the part.

"I fingerpaint this floor
with fingers green from loving everything
that lives."


The theme of fingerpainting was rather sudden. I like the imagery, but you might want to develop it sooner. Also, I think that you should do "sky" instead of "floor" – just as an improved artistic expression.

Other than that, awesome!
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:iconreqiumchronicler:
ReqiumChronicler Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009
[link]

I really like the imagies you have through out. It is strong and carries with it sensory details that just excite the mind and body!
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:iconopenhandedsmiles:
openhandedsmiles Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009   Writer
I think the best part of this is the diction and syntax-- it's so impressively smooth. I think I understand what the point is, but I love the many themes.
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:iconmagic-fan:
Magic-fan Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009   Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

First off; I love this piece. It is extremely powerful and I find it simply amazing. =)

As an answer to your question, I think the last stanza is the least strong. To me, it seems like the entire tone of the poem changes in that stanza, like it's not even a part of the rest of it.
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:iconfirmasrock:
FirmAsRock Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009
Wonderful poetry.
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:iconwolfpoet14:
wolfpoet14 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009   Writer
I liked, only I think it didnt really kick-in for me until about the 10th line. After that, you were really good.
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:iconlabyrinthiform:
labyrinthiform Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2009
Mm.. I love almost-rhymes. "back-bend soft-scent", "bloodwine ... wide-eyed"
I don't know if those in-line almost-rhymes are intentional, but they always convince me of the author's mastery of language.
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:iconyouinventedme:
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2009   Writer
the back-bend soft-scent songs of human skin
to me hold the miracle


excellent
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:iconwrite-it-out:
write-it-out Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009   Writer
thank you :)
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:iconkennethsnow:
KennethSnow Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2009  Student Writer
the back-bend soft-scent songs of human skin

intoxicating images and imaginative alliteration and rhyme throughout. Wonderful poem!

:clap:

kenneth
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